Success

I was just pondering, last Friday, what exactly makes a certain person(s) on my team more influential than me. I have the utmost respect for him: he is very intelligent, expresses himself in a very confident and intelligent way that commands respect and admiration! He speaks slowly and doesn’t rush through things. People stop and listen to him. I have observed both him and his cronies network with other men at work (all men of course). This is the beginning of the Old Boys’ Network at work. It’s amazing that I’m able to observe this happening. Of course I’ve also been quite self-aware when it comes to my choice of relationships at work. It’s a different kind of friendship circle than what was experienced in Highschool… albeit not that far off. This is life and death, and I do remember thinking that it was life and death back in HS, but the networks that we develop as professionals can really mean life or death for a career. I used to think that my inter-personal abilities and easy-going manner were my downfall. But as the years wear along, I can now see that this will definitely work to my advantage. Of course, everything has to be taken with a grain of salt and not taken too far…The idea that popped into my mind had much to do with the different friendship circles that I’m making here. I’m being taken more seriously and am wondering if that has to do with the people I hang around with as much as the way I’m carrying myself…? A question. But I can see that here in France I have a marked advantage over those male colleagues back home. First of all, I made the jump to a foreign assignment. I think this will benefit me in the long run for many reasons. First of all, I’m making a lot more connections. I’m centralized here, and am meeting people from California, Shanghai, Germany… as well as here in paris. Being a woman in Paris has its advantages. Although the number of women in the office seems to be far less than in Vancouver, the way men and women interact here has its advantages for women. I can actually use my feminine wiles to subtly convince my peers of my point of view. Which brings me back to my original thought: whereas my colleagues in Canada and America would use force of will to convince the engineers that their idea is best, since I am female and the power of a soft-persuasion is accepted from me… this is much more easily digested than the typically aggressive male North American style. The NA male style is not as highly looked upon in international circles. This is one reason why I will succeed here and elsewhere. Aside from giving myself a boost in confidence by working with different people and finding that I DO have the skills and MORE, this whole experience is opening me up to more people and experiences! But I have to be careful to not let this get to my head. There will always be people more informed than me, and people less informed than me. I can make this work!

Can't Sleep

I snapped out of the wonderful world of sleep this morning at a few moments before 4am. Just wonderful. My neck is stiff again, despite another beautiful massage yesterday. I'm stressed about work these days, and that's the topic of an offline conversation, but all in all things are good. I think my manager is working hard right now to get me on permanent status. No more of this contract bullshtuff! Ed was chatting with me at my desk yesterday and didn't have to say much for me to get the hint:"I think you're going to hear some good news soon." I think that's all he COULD say, given the circumstances. Lee has been in conversation with John (our team director), and they have been talking with our new manager quite a bit. He has mentioned before that he wants to double the size of our team, which is good news for whoever is next in line: ME!

Anyhow, I need to find a way to get back to sleep. Between wondering where the hell you are, to thinking about all the work I have to catch up on today, I need my rest!

Can you believe that I called your cell phone yesterday, just for kicks? I really wanted to hear your voice... I don't want to forget what it sounds like. The "few days" that you were supposed to be out of touch with me is SUCH an eternity, nevermind that it's been 9 days that I haven't yet heard from you.

I still miss you dearly. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Hmmm... musings

I had myself an interesting day, EH... It's so funny how things in my head are so clear. One would think that, even when one is deeply involved in a wonderful relationship, one would be able to maintain a secure sense of individuality. But we are all connected somehow. And there's no doubt that someone I respect so intimately and in every way would have some affect on the way I see and think about the world, don't you think?

Now that you've been gone for over a week (this day marks the end of day 10 ... only 31 days left!), the thoughts in my mind have become so clear to me! There are no distractions along the lines of: I wonder what he's doing right now, maybe I should just call him to see what he thinks we should have for dinner? what should we do tonight? what movie shall we rent? ... Don't get me wrong: I love all of it! I love all of you! But really, this has been a really challenging way for me to reflect on the other things in my life without having you influence it so deeply. For one thing, I had been going through some sort of pre-mid-life crisis and depression before we started going out. So, getting together with you just helped me postpone having to deal with it at all. Now that I'm alone it's popped up again, as these things always do. And I'm grateful that it has... Because it's at times like this (if we can only remain open to the possibilities) that we have the opportunity to learn some really useful things, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel. I've been feeling really really really uncomfortable. It feels like growing pains... without all the acne... I can, however, feel the physical discomforts of adult-onset acne in the creaks and groans of my body as old age slowly comes on. It feels like I'm going through some sort of adolescence, a new transformation.

You remember that I'm going vegetarian, right? Well, I've managed to keep up with my goals even in the face of temptation tonight. We had a team dinner since our boss is visiting from Paris, and you know how indulgent those celebrations can be... His director took us out to dinner and it was good to be able to meet him and chat with him. Even as some of our team members ordered beer after beer, I knew that it wouldn't do me good, especially at this time. The only thing that I overindulged on tonight was the chocolate, which for me, is a very good step in the right direction. I will not be hungover when I get to work tomorrow morning at 8am (for a meeting). I do not feel too full. And I have been pretty good at doing yoga in the mornings at least 2/wk since you left. This week, I'm aiming for at least every morning. I find it extremely grounding, given my habit to think negatively about everything that is going well in my life. The breathing exercises are just fabulous! I could feel the effects of it later on in the day!

Well, I really hope to hear from you soon. I hope you're alright. I miss you terribly.

I will post some pictures if I have the time... but, then if I do, this blog might not be so anonymous anymore!

hugs and chocolate kisses...

Warning: more sappy stuff ahead

Hello my dear EH,

I know you're probably going to be the only one getting anything worthwhile from reading this blog. So here's my first post that's directly addressed to you.

Today's the first semi-ok day without you. It has been really disturbing to know how emotionally and physically addicted I am to you! I suppose we can attribute that to the fact that it's only been 5-1/2 months since that first kiss. Oh, that kiss was so sweet, even though I had to get some alcohol into both of us in order for it to happen ;) I'm listening to Sun Kil Moon... Love them! So sweet, the music really reminds me of you... just wonderful and so soothing. Oh, to have you in my arms right now... I love your sexy voice, your strong hands, your great smile, your gorgeous blue eyes, ... the way you look at me, the way you break into song, singing purposely off-key just to make me smile... :'( I miss you still. I'll miss you till the day you get back.

I had a chance to talk with Linda today, and a couple of my Ontario friends on msn. It was good for me, especially since I've been hibernating since you left. No need for my friends to see me in that condition. I went to Banyen books today too, which was also good. It's about time that I had the time to do all this reflecting. I think I have to finally deal with this depression that has set upon me, apparently so suddenly. Actually, it has suddenly occurred to me that I've probably felt this depressed for a while: about my life, the state of the world, and Life in general. You enabled me to forget about it somehow. But our time apart is forcing me to at last take a good looooooooong look at it. And I think it's something that I've been needing for a long long time.

Maybe this time for reflection has been necessary ALL my life...? It's just that the timing is right for it to be uncovered/discovered and something really done about it. I think it has something to do with my long lost spirituality. I'm STILL searching for something. Of course, the fact that I haven't found complete fulfillment from work probably adds to the yearning feeling. I think my yoga practice, meditation, and thinking about things spiritual will help me with this search... whatever it will yield.

I just want to be able to harness all this sadness and emotion and be able to experience life in all its forms as deeply as I possibly can.

Does this make any sense?

Non-breakup Breakup Depression

No contact from my boyfriend for the past 5 days. It seems like an eternity. I am seriously depressed and I'm entirely shocked at this. First of all, I never could have foreseen this happening. I thought I'd be basking in the time that I have all to myself, getting my apartment and my entire life in order! This is what I would have done when I was single. This is currently not happening and I am stunned. This is not fun anymore. I don't even think that I have the energy to finish this post. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. Don't get me wrong: I know what I have to do, I know what I want to get done. I could even be enjoying the SUN! Imagine that: sun and beautiful snow here in Vancouver. I just don't know if I can tear myself away from the bed for long enough to do what I have to do! ... I think I'll just watch another movie. Then, just try to get on with my day somehow. I miss him.

Making Sense out of it ALL.

I never thought this would happen. I never thought that I would stop enjoying writing in my journal. I used to sit in cafes for hours and hours and hours. I would sip my sweet cappuccino so very slowly, watch pedestrians passing slowly by the window, eavesdrop onto the various conversations happening in the coffeeshop, or just daydream. I used to have so much time for daydreaming. I would write about all of this, or none of it, but it would be wonderful just letting my thoughts float onto paper, drops of ink flowing from my pen. Now I'm just smack dab in the middle of the Information Revolution. I enjoy sending emails more than I enjoy writing! ... never thought that would happen. One could argue that the art of writing doesn't need the actual physical, antiquated act of writing with a pen. Typing on a keyboard serves the same function really. It's faster, the words aren't as easily forgotten before they're recorded. But at my age, the words fleet by a lot quicker and I don't catch them as easily as I used to.

I've started reflecting about all of this since the Boyfriend left on a 6 week jaunt through Nepal. I've been feeling quite lonely without him. To tell you the truth, since I've only received one damn email from him, it feels like I'm bereaving a lost soul. I hope he's ok. I'm sure he's ok. This experience can be quite jarring. I've gone from basically living with the sweetheart, talking with him every day, spending all my extra time with him, to ... nothing. I have noone to share my thoughts with, no one to cuddle and kiss and hold, no one to wake up next to in the morning. He's everything that I've ever dreamed of. Which makes this so difficult. Mostly I've missed the sharing of thoughts. I've been sending him at least one email per day in an effort to duplicate the sharing of my intuitions, my troubles, my insecurities, my emotions, my mind. I think that's what I miss the most. I really miss the feeling that one person in this world actually wants to listen to what I have to say, is patient enough to try to understand exactly WHAT I'm saying (especially when I'm not making any rational sense), has the experience and empathy to understand my motivation and emotions for thinking the way I do... AND absolutely loves me for it... ALL of it!!!!! Trying to replicate that experience in an email is much more enjoyable than writing to an empty journal. And thus: I don't have as much motivation for writing in my journal anymore. Instead, what I have been writing to my Beloved made those emails more meaningful to me than writing on an empty page written to the Unknown Reader, possibly that person I will inevitably become but who will derive less pleasure in reading those pages... ?

And that's why I've returned. Since the BF left, I've been trying to make sense of my life and the crazy crazy crazy world around me. I've been reflecting on my thoughts, my obsessions, my irrational and sometimes ridiculous emotions. It's interesting, but not so fun most of the time. It feels like I've been torn wide open! I used to ignore all of this by hanging out with the BF, essentially escaping with him and through him, diving right into his life, or the life that we've created together. I forgot what this could be like. But I'm actually enjoying the process, come to think about it... in spite of all the pain and lonelinesses...

Purposes

I've often wondered why people keep blogs. Most of those people often display qualities like narcissism and have exhibitionist tendencies. It follows the phenomenon of Reality TV shows that have as its most blatant purpose to display the worst realities of human characteristics as an example to the masses.

I do have to say that I'm a fan of a number of well-written and intelligent blogs. There are surprisingly a lot of intelligent people out there who keep blogs! I want to be able to write well. I want to be one of those well-spoken people who are admired and respected by others. Maybe this can be an economical way of improving my writing without having to register in expensive university courses and increase my mounting debtload? That's what I'm hoping. I don't want to add more fodder to the ridiculous circus out there.

Maybe it can be a way for me to vent and complain... but wait: I do that every day of my life. Life is too short and the world is too nasty to have a dark grey cloud follow me around at every move. I have enough of those grey clouds here in Vancouver anyways.

Besides, it might just be a quick way to let my friends and family back home in Ontario (or wherever else on this beautiful world they may reside) keep tabs on me and what I'm going through. Maybe they might learn something about me that they didn't previously know. Maybe I might just make more friends this way. Maybe I just might learn to love blogging for the sake of blogging. Maybe I might learn to express my complex thoughts and views in a more sophisticated way.